Halloween is around the corner. Everywhere I turn people are talking about the East Village parade, what clubs and bars will be hopping, their roommate's sister's house party, but most importantly what it is they're going to be this year. Because since before we could walk, someone was putting us in a pumpkin costume or a clown suit (trust me, I have proof) and telling us how cute we looked dressed up as not ourselves. Halloween is when it's a-OK to don the fishnet thigh-hi's, the giant diaper or be the violent superhero your mother forbid years ago. It's a day to be someone whom you'd never get to be in "real" life. Different name, different face, different persona.
How exciting.
24 hours from now I'll be on a plane which has just left Laguardia en route to Mazatlan, Mexico. This is less of a vacation and more of a necessity for myself. There won't be any rabbit ears or colored wigs packed in my suitcase, and I don't plan on ingesting a single fun sized candy bar. Just like the last four, I'll vow to attend the parade next Halloween. Next year. It's not as though I don't enjoy dressing up. Playing a part, being someone else. It's not as though I don't already own all the makings for at least four costumes (last year I got to be a [sexy] bunny, a [sexy] witch, a [sexy] cowgirl AND a [sexy] nurse - go me). Nevertheless, this Halloween I'll get to just be 'me'. And it's almost a relief. Actually, it just is.
Sometimes it can be really confusing to remember who that person is. That I like to read books and figure out Sudoku puzzles. I like to spend hours on allrecipes.com and plan out the perfect multi course meal. I'd rather walk than take a cab, and I can imitate Blue from Blue's Clues perfectly. Every now and then I'm even capable of writing something worth reading. Those are all the 'me' things I forget at times. Cause there's nothing too intriguing about my fastest puzzle time (4:07...told you) and hearing about carrot fritters won't make your heart race. Sometimes it's that much easier to play dress up and "let's pretend" 365 days out of the year, rather than just one. So I figure as a change of pace, this Halloween I'll just be 'me'. 'Me' in Mexico, sipping an alcoholic beverage whilst tanning by the pool, but it's a start, right?
Next year though, I swear I'm going to make it to that damn parade!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
¡Feliz Dia de los Muertos!
Posted by Kyra at Thursday, October 29, 2009 0 comments
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Don't Send Your Mother To Hell Just Yet
My mother has a Facebook.
I'm not sure why this surprises me at all. After all, even my dog has a Facebook. In fact, my mom and my dog are friends with one another on Facebook (even though they've never met in actual face-to-face terms - gotta love the internet). As for myself, well, I'm a 24 year old adult. I haven't lived with my mother in a very long time and while we're not as close as maybe I'd want to be, there's no hostility or anything. So, of course when I logged on to Facebook and saw that I had a new friend request, and upon opening that link seeing that this new friend request was from the very woman who'd birthed me, I did what any mature intelligent adult would do.
I left her in Facebook purgatory.
Now, for anyone not familiar with this term, Facebook purgatory basically refers to when you neither accept nor decline a friend request. This way, the option of acceptance is always still present, rather than declining and possibly regretting this decision further down the line, only to have to return the friend request, thus proving you'd declined them in the past (and again...gotta love the internet).
I think one of the reasons I haven't accepted my mother's friendship request is because...well...she isn't my friend. I remember noticing the lack of closeness we have for one another as early as the first day of kindergarten (how old are we then? Five?). I remember watching other children cling to their mother's waists while I wondered what the big deal was - after all, I'd been attending nursery school since I was three, my parents would go on week long vacations since long before that, so I knew the drill at this point. The other kids seemed to be receiving a lot of attention for these actions though so I started to whine and put my scrunched up game face on but before I could get through my first sentence, my mother leaned down and essentially told me to shut up or I was going to be smacked. Fine, whatever, you can't bullshit a bullshitter. I could deal with that.
And that's how it went ever since, really. Throughout grade school I recall being envious of my girl friend's relations with their own moms. Eating countless dinner's at various kitchen tables with other people's families. Being given the birds & the bees talk via a shoebox filled with a typed up letter and various packages and books left on my bed. Watching season after season, year after year, of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dawson's Creek on our couch together just so that we'd have something to talk about, something we shared.
Do I think my mother was a bad mom? Yes, completely and 100%. Do I hold anything against her for this? No, not really. That's just who she is. She's not a bad person, and nothing she did was necessarily wrong. Just not the way most people would do things.
A little while back, I was asked what kind of mother I thought I would be. If I would raise my own children the way my mother raised myself. I answered that despite realizing the faults in my own upbringing, I'd more than likely carry them on to my own kids. Raising them with a detached hand, hiring housekeepers and Au Pairs (live in nannies) to do the job for me. It wasn't an answer given much thought or seriousness. After all, at the moment I'm 24 years old, broke and in debt, barely able to support my four legged "children" adopted off the street, much less an actual other human being. I don't see many Au Pairs in my future, except maybe as my own colleges.
There's no way to really know until you're in that position as a mother. My own mom sacrificed a lot, namely her own career and dreams, in order to give my brother and I the life which we had. And like I said, I don't hold it against her...I just leave her in purgatory. Which ultimately, is not where I'd want to be in my own children's future. I'd like them to think of me, and want me to be, more than just a friend of their dog's.
Posted by Kyra at Wednesday, October 28, 2009 0 comments
Friday, October 23, 2009
Subconsciously Motivated Natural Instinct
He who controls the past, controls the future."
-George Orwell
In today's society we've developed, and are forever working towards, ways to control the few remaining uncontrollable aspects of our lives. Aging? Pssht, what of it? Botox is nothing compared to how far we'll eventually take this goal, I'm sure. The Twilight Zone touched upon this concept numerous times, most notably in the episode Number 12 Looks Just Like You. I won't go crazy into details, but essentially it's about a transformation everyone is expected -required- to undergo at age 19 which makes them "beautiful" (a.k.a. like everyone else) and capable of extending their life time by hundreds of years due to immunity defenses. Doesn't sound like such an implausible feat anymore.
Besides these limited control examples, it is greatly debated when a person should be deemed responsible for their own actions, or in control of their own life, but in my own personal experience and belief this begins at a very young age.
According to William Glasser's Control Theory (hey, the disclaimer is right there on the side bar - I told you I feel as though everything has already been written about, so these are just my own viewpoints) the three components that dictate how a person behaves in an attempt to control their life are what they do, what they think and what they feel. I think even that is giving us more credit than we deserve. Cause really, all it comes down to is what we do. Actions speak louder than words (thoughts) and feelings can be indescribable so thought processes reign over feelings (sad, but true. I think it should be the other way around in terms of thoughts and feelings...and maybe that's my basic problem. The Beatles had it right.).
So here we all are, existing in our own worlds that we control completely, and god DAMN is that overwhelming. Everyone deals with this in a different way. They devote themselves to their career. To their lover. They collect 5,760 Rooster statuettes. Or they don't deal at all. Which IS their way. Psychosomatic illness, alcohol addiction and other radical rebellions against our own responsibilities and sabotages of our own thoughts and feelings are synonymous with "not dealing" which eventually results in the illusion of no longer retaining control. Cause sure, maybe that 1/2 bottle of vodka went straight to your head (go figure) and you DID give up your ability to control your actions...temporarily. The next morning, the next week, the next lifetime is still in your own hands.
Which is why I've always had a problem with any type of program based on the 12 steps - The first of which says we are powerless over what plagues us (I don't want to get stuck in an AA mind frame, so don't assume this has to be a substance) and that our lives have become unmanageable. It says when you give up control your life will become easier...but wasn't that the initial problem??? If anything, I think it's when you feel as though your life has become unmanageable, you should STEP UP (sorry 12 step program, no pun intended) and reclaim your actions, thoughts, feelings...and control.
Posted by Kyra at Friday, October 23, 2009 0 comments
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I Wanna Scream "I Love You" From The Top Of My Lungs
I have a confession to make.
I'm in love.
Sure, we have our fights, our disagreements, even our periods of separation (everyone needs a break, absence makes the heart grow fonder, all that good stuff). Sometimes I feel I'm only being used for my money (but then I remember I don't have any) or possibly my looks, but they don't even seem to notice on my worst days. Or if they do? They don't care :). Sometimes they think I'm too passionate and extreme. But then they realize if I weren't, I couldn't handle them, either. And I wouldn't be me. I love them despite the arguments with cabbies, the countless (seriously) lost phones, the hour long subway rides, the forgotten nights.
We have fun no matter what we do. With others, or just the two of us. Whether it be listening to music or drinking on the pier...in the park...at Sunday brunch...at bars...parties...OK, so we both definitely share an affinity for Happy Hours [and I think any hour is worth being happy ;) ] but we're always forgiving to one another for the drunken messes which occasionally take place. And it's not all about the alcohol. It's about the sunrises and long walks (even if its raining), the people watching and all the damn too-cute-for words dogs (anyone who pays attention to my Facebook mobile uploads knows how true this one is!). The insightful conversations and openness to teach and be taught. The fact each day together is like a play date and the feeling we're the center of the world (cause in a sense, we are.). That I can wear anything from pajama pants to mini skirts and it's perfectly acceptable.
I love them for the comedy shows, the not so comedic shows and the museums we've yet to attend, simply because that means there's always something to look forward to with them. A new movie, a hole-in-the-wall restaurant, even a chili and chocolate festival.
And that's what makes them different from all my past relations. Besides the fact they're nothing like what I grew up surrounded by, what I thought I couldn't do without. Looking back, I don't even know what I saw in my past. Like I said, this is different. I never tire of them. There's something comforting about the familiarity. And exciting that there's still so much more to learn. As damaging as they can be, I still feel safe. Despite what others may think (some people think I'm stupid and in over my head, others tell me they're jealous, but either way it doesn't matter), and even if I were to go a different direction for a time, I'm sure that ultimately I'll end up right back with them. They're addictive and I'm addicted. They make me forget about my problems (although occasionally they ARE the problem, such is life) and put a smile on my face just thinking about them.
They've taught me so much about myself, and helped me grow in a way that couldn't have happened had our lives not crossed. I can only hope I bring as much to the table as they do. Or that they'll at least want me at my best, of course, but still want me even at my worst.
I just had to get this off my chest. I'm in love. And New York City will forever have my heart. (And Carrie Bradshaw, back off, it's mine).
Posted by Kyra at Thursday, October 22, 2009 0 comments
Are IPods Ruining Our Social Life?
Hey doctor, I'm certifiable!
I'm a loose bolt of a complete machine
What a match, I'm half doomed and you're semi-sweet
So boycott love
Detox just to retox
And I'd promise you anything for another shot at life
Imperfect boys with their perfect lives
Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy
The point is, the vast majority of us are spending more and more time lost in our own thoughts and heads (and Ipods) just waiting for someone to find us, but we're not making it very easy for them.
A couple of years ago, before I myself became one of the isolated music listening, dark sunglasses wearing type of person I'm talking about, I remember reading a book on the subway ( something I regrettably rarely do anymore ) and a guy took it upon himself to start up a conversation with me, using the book I was reading as an ice breaker. The book happened to be (OK, honestly I can't find the title/author of the book at the moment) Obviously it wasn't that memorable...but essentially it was about a British woman who was able to get a book deal writing about her own dating experiences resulting from the personal ads on Craigslist.
...
Yea, not much comment on that fact in general. And no, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Unless of course that type of thing interests you. In which case I could rummage it out of a box filled with forgotten "keepsakes" and you can
But anyway, this led to him talking about the 'missed connections' section on Craigslist (for those not in the know - firstly, cheers and here's a cookie. Secondly, it's an area on Craigslist where people send out creepy postings along the lines of "You - Wearing a mauve dress. Long blond hair. Me - Suit and tie. Carrying a briefcase. We locked eyes immediately prior to you getting into a cab on 46th St and Lexington Ave. Have been thinking about you ever since. Please respond".)
Like I said, creepy.
I couldn't tell you any more about this guy other than the fact he'd been sitting on my right hand side. Age, race, build, facial features, nada. Just the conversation and that his last words as he got off at his stop were "Who knows, maybe you'll be my missed connection" and the fact I'll forever remember this conversation.
But that was then. Nowadays, I see (and use) those plugged in wires as a person's silent (loud?) way of telling the world "leave me alone".
Yesterday there was a girl - Kimberly, according to her multicolored bracelet - standing next to me on the 4 train. It amused me that here was someone who I'd never exchange a word with, yet I knew her name and could make an educated guess that her favorite color was green based upon her nail polish and I Phone cover connected to her -you guessed it- headphones.
For those of you Heroes watchers, maybe Emma has already come to your mind. Emma is deaf. Rather than have to deal with strangers inquiring about directions, asking her the time, or just starting up a conversation with her in general only to eventually realize she's deaf and give the 'required' smile and nod of sympathy, Emma wears headphones. Again, the universal "fuck off, world" accessory. Sometimes she accidentally leaves the dangling plug in plain view. But most people don't even notice.
So what am I saying? Am I saying that music is impeding our ability to actually interact with others in ways which would have been natural 10 years ago? Possibly. Or maybe I'm saying that some people should be left on the subway. After all, Mommy always said not to talk to strangers (or at least one of the many Au Pairs did).
Posted by Kyra at Thursday, October 22, 2009 0 comments
Labels: interaction, music, socialize
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
It's OK To Throw Out Your Crystal Ball.
What goes around comes around. Three-fold law. Karma. The common denominator between ideas like this is that your actions in life and towards others will effect the outcome of your own future. Cheat and be cheated on. Steal and get stolen from. Lie and be lied to. Only worse. But this isn't so much because you did that one thing which caused that other one thing to happen. It's more just the type of people you interact with, or environment you put yourself in to result in being hurt yourself in the end.
You can say someone who has led their life selling drugs, ripping people off, lying, and so on and so forth who eventually meets their own demise via overdose did so due to Karma. But I think it's more the (karma induced) painful life they were leading DUE to selling drugs, ripping people off, lying and so on and so forth and resulting own self hatred which led them to eventually OD on the very substance they hurt so many people in the process of obtaining. That's more irony. Which is for a totally different entry.
Or, of course, there's the better side which most people don't think about when they use terms such as karma. Take in a stray dog off the street, and you'll be blessed with a loyal and loving friend for years. Give up your seat on the subway for someone who needs it more (they don't have to be pregnant or elderly, sometimes it's obvious a person's internal baggage is weighing them down more than they can handle), not only will you receive a gracious smile (hopefully - and if not then that other person's own Karma just took a dip) but you'll also just feel better about yourself in general, knowing that you did the right thing.
I think it's the better side of Karma which people should learn to focus more upon. Even if it IS for the "selfish" reason of feeling better about yourself. Who cares? As long as you don't expect recognition for the things you do, big or small, you'll more often than not be pleasantly surprised when you receive it after all. Not to mention the more people who practice this, the better the world would be as a whole.
And then there's intuition. Intuition is what I believe people such as Psychics and Spiritualists possess. Which is not to say that they're able to see the future...kind of. It's more that hightened intuition gives one the ability to look at the same scenario and see it for what it really is, more so than the average person. They're able to pick up on the little things that most people would miss. And yes, to have that "sixth sense" of sometimes unexplainable thoughts or feelings about something or someone. So it's not so much the ability to see the future...but more the ability to know how events will pan out based upon the parties involved or just...that feeling. Hmm...and after rereading that last sentence, maybe it's intuition which would help a person read that and understand the difference.
While it helps to possess this trait, it can hinder a person as well. Because while it's easy enough to decipher the problems and situations in another person's life, it's when the problem's and situation's are ones own that the gut feelings can be ignored, the little things missed and better judgment based on hindsight (which isn't even intuition at this point, only factual evidence) dispelled. And then you're left with the how did I not see this coming? thought process which is counteracted with how did I let this happen to me...and ignore what I did see?
Ignorance is bliss until it isn't which is why it is.
To sum it up, all these concepts and phrases have the ability to ultimately either control your life and the directions it goes, if you believe in such things...or control your life and the directions it goes, if you don't believe in such things. Or that's the belief, at least ;)
Posted by Kyra at Tuesday, October 20, 2009 0 comments