What I Really Meant To Say Was Nothing

Someone told me recently that because I'm such a seemingly open person that I must keep the darkest secrets to myself. This baffled me, because in all honesty I'd been just that...honest (well, with this person at least). If anything, maybe -probably- to a fault.

One of the few things I was able to take from my brief encounter with community college and my Oral Communications class many years ago (apparently they require you to actually go in order to pass courses and gain credits. Who knew?) was that relationships (either romantic or platonic) are built upon and grow from mutual disclosures about ones self. This can range anywhere from your favorite flavor of ice cream to being touched by your uncle when you were little (no, this is not implying anything about myself! I swear!). It's gradually testing the waters between the two of you and determining when it's okay to go a little deeper.

Most people keep a lot to themselves, I've learned. Which is understandable. There's a lot about me that, say, my parents don't know and for good reason. But then there's been people I've known who've lived entirely double lives even to their boyfriend, fiance, husband. Whether it be concerning their job, an addiction, a fetish, a health disorder, whatever. And that just seems exhausting.

My problem is pretty much the opposite. If I feel comfortable with someone, and want to be with someone, I open up entirely too soon and say things like the fact I'd most likely make myself throw up ice cream sooner than I'd say what flavor it'd be. Just as an example. I have a few theories as to why I'm like this. There's the "shock & awe" theory, to simply intrigue them with my extreme life stories, for fear of feeling boring otherwise. There's the "weeding out the 'weak'" theory, which means this is me, if you can't deal with me, don't waste either of our time...which could probably also be referred to as the "scare them away before they get close enough to hurt you" theory. Or there's the "I'm just being honest" theory which is that I feel not saying something is the same as lying about it.

Or maybe it's a little of all three. Needless to say, whichever or whatever it is, hasn't really worked for me thus far. Apparently you shouldn't tell a potential partner things you wouldn't tell your therapist and putting up walls is the best way to let someone in. This seems to be what "normal" people do at least. What my friends who've been with their significant others for years, are married and have kids do. They just...fail to mention that aspect of their past or current life. And if it never comes up? All the better.

Everyone has their skeletons. Most people just keep them in the closet whereas mine come out to the bar with me. I guess this must mean I have something even more sinister and dark in my closet. Like chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.